Thoughts of a Southern Boy

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Movies Galore

There are so many movies I have been wanting to see lately that I finally had to make a list so I wouldn't forget the names of them.

An Inconvenient Truth
One, Two, Three
Police Beat
A Prairie Home Companion
Seventh Continent
What the Bleep Do We Know?
Proof
The Magician
The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green
V for Vendetta
Thank You for Smoking
The War Tapes
Day Break
Days of Heaven
Bubble



Any movies you would recommend I add to the list?

THAT'S HOT!!!

During the interview, Hilton also displayed some political illiteracy.

When asked about British Prime Minister Tony Blair, her response was: "Who? ... Oh, yeah, he's like your president. I don't know what he looks like."

Monday, July 24, 2006

Jamaican Math Test

A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman Said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"

Socially exhausted...yet alone I weep. I climb into bed, wrap the blanket 'round tight. Tonight I listen to our song. It has been a while since I heard those comforting words of days long ago when you held me in your arms. I just want to remember you tonight and how it felt to be loved. There are memories such as this as I look back. I lay here alone in the silent dark but I remember your smile, your laugh, and your tears.

"You know, it's ok to cry." I once uttered those words while I held you so tight. Now I find it is me telling myself though... no arms wrapped around.

The memories so vivid.

It was with you that we went to the top of the world, just you and I and the glistening stars. That kiss, oh that kiss.... "I've missed you so much".... how I'll never forget the moment our lips touched.

Goodbye again... One day again I will return to this scrapbook of memories and find where I bookmarked your heart I once loved.

Yesterday
I was
Today
I am
Tomorrow
I will be

The future
Resembling the past
In that
The sun still rises
Yet...
Blindly I walk

I stumble
Out of bed
Rising again
Just as before

Today
I am
Not as before

I twist
My neck backwards
For just a glimpse
Of yesterday
Of who I was

The future
Resembles the past
In that
I wake up each day

But now I look back
Whereas I was
Looking forward

Friday, July 21, 2006

FINISHED!!!

Summer classes are over! Yay! I enjoyed my classes for the most part, especially the ethics class, but I am soooo glad I am done. Now comes the anticipation of my grades... But I think I did good. Now I will have more time to work out (omg, I have to write about my weight!), write, and do some things I want to do. School's out for summer!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

...of the worst kind

Drenched in sweat... subsumed in an unrelenting heat... irregular palpitations of my heart... yet...

Chills run down my spine.

Chills of the worst kind, the kind one only wakes up to from nightmares. I lay in this pool of reality unknown to me, wet from the droplets of salty sweat... from the heat... from my fears...

I race, running to and fro... in my mind. I run this race in which there is no finish line, where first place is same as last, where participation equals excellence but I being a participant have fallen short of excellence. I am the exception to the rule. So I stop midway, perhaps a little less, the finish line still out of sight. I stop not to catch my breath, not to wipe the sweat still gushing from my pores, but to let out a sigh...

The sigh becoming louder, becoming vocal. Now I find myself screaming. When normally I would be hiding it, now I have become indifferent for there is no one to hear my outcries. With my outstretched arms grasping towards the heavens I shout profanities in the name of God. Then, collapsing into a pile of motionless limbs, I weep as the god-awful chills run their bony fingers down my back.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Dear God...

Dear GOD,

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray for a man, who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart, and strong. Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong, one who thinks before he speaks. When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed. Who won't lose his cool when he's annoyed, pulls out my chair when I want a seat. Who open my door when I want to walk in, massages my back and begs to do more. Dear God! Send me a man who will make love to my body, soul, and mind, knows what to say when I ask "Do you love me?" I pray that this man will love me to no end and would never compare me with his best friend. Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait for you to send him before it's too late.

Amen

- A cute, funny little thing I saw online!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Bandwagoneering!

Here I go....

Entering into the myspace phenomenon!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I look back on the past now, ridden of those rose-tinted lenses...and see things were not what they seemed. No, it was the very anithesis of what I seemed to believe. Oh how childishly, immaturely I imagined things to be what they were not. Looking back, with a mind of reason, I clearly see how I created a false reality, desperate it almost seems attempting to live in a fairytale. I was blinded by my ideas of how I wanted things to be and was unable to accept that things were not how I imagined.

But now, I am able and have learned how the heart can be a deceiver.

Now I have learned...

Entering In

Enter into my world...Where the grass is always greener, the birds always sing, and the sky glistens a heavenly blue!

-He enters the positively brilliant life of his and is smitten more than ever.

And there they both stood, arm in arm, together. A smile ever growing as the two meandered through the intricate garden where no words were needed. It was there, in that empty heart of his, where they spent the nights holding, caressing each other. His delicate lips touching mine, melting away my worries....ah yes, it was then that happiness entered my life.

-And then he stood there speechless, thinking of those oh so positively beautiful words. He never thought that he would meet someone sooo loving, so gentle, someone oh so polite, somone so handsome. His knight in shining armor had finally come. The one he had dreamt of and read about only in fairytales...oh so fascinated he was... He made him forget all the worries that crossed his mind whenever he was with him....he made him feel special, like he really wanted him....they spent their time comforting each other, being with each other...holding hands, dreaming of merry thoughts that the future held for them..... They dreamt of being in the country side with just the sky, stars, and them surrounded only by the chirping of birds and flowers and plants and fruits that they planted together...

The twinkle of the night sky glistened in the whites of his eyes. Comets, shooting stars, supernovas...call them what you want, all the beauties of the galaxy could not compare to the beauty of the one next to me...and just then a star shot across the sky and he leaned in....

-He talked so passionately, that the moment he looked into his pearly warm eyes, he was lost in the ocean of love, that went far beyond the seventh galaxy, far beyond pluto, far beyond his wildest imagination. He never thought he would feel the way he did at the moment. It felt that the world was swirling and twirling, everything was a blur. All he could see was his handsome face staring back at him. His strong chin and the original beauty of his face left him mesmerized in a state that he could not describe.....might it have been.......

No, this must surely not be a dream. Oh how real it does feel. I can still see the imprint he left on my heart, where it lay broken for so long, now mended, sewn, completed the instant our eyes met. This is real he thought, as real as the songbirds who sing from the trees, as real as the wind that gayly dances through the night, as real as the sun that welcomes in each morning....yes, oh how real this feeling is....

-Yes, it certainly was not a dream. Oh how he had longed to feel the way he did at this instant. How the etched feeling of loneliness had gone. He made all the lonely nights he had feel like they never existed. He blew them away as quickly as the raking leaves of fall and how fast had he brought the cool spring breeze into his life.

This was the beginning but somehow it felt as if it was simply picking up from a point forgotten long ago. And so the story continues, the two of them, together....

Changes

Life changes are not so easy, so I have found. Habits hard to break, set-backs always ocurring. But I have set goals. I have started the process. My mind is made up and now it is entirely up to me to follow through. A long road is ahead of me I know but the results that are to come are what keeps me focused.

Procrastination will surely be the death of me, not the physical death, but the death of "me", the essence of the person that I am, would like to be, and know I will become.

It will not only be the accomplishing of these goals that make me a better person but the journey I incur along the way, the set-backs only making me stronger, only proving my resilience. The past becoming a memory, not forgotten but serving as a backdrop to my life, memories of mistakes so as not to be repeated.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

It's a strange feeling, this feeling I have. To act out of feeling or to act out of reason? I go back and forth in my mind about what to do, about how to act or what to say. I do not know whether this feeling is real or just a consequence of the past. I want to do one thing but then I think no, things are just fine the way the are perhaps even better. I still wonder though. I wonder what could have been and what could be. I wonder why I feel the way I do. I wonder if time has been a good thing. I wonder what the future holds. So I will just keeping wondering...until this feeling leaves me.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Meditations Con't

It's been a week or so and I have thought a lot about what I have written. I am questioning my first thoughts and wondering whether I was accurate in my attempts at deciphering them. It seems to me that there are always so many different exceptions to consider that it may altogether be impossible to ever come to a conclusion. But, if no conclusion is ever made then what reason do I have to live my life? There must be an answer. I just need to more carefully reason out my ideas.

I want to return first to my idea that imaginations produce things that are unreal. I have thought about this. For me to have an idea must there have been something to produce that idea in my mind? Should my idea be just as real what caused my idea? The statue of liberty is real, then shouldn't the idea I have about the statue of liberty be real too? Ideas concerning objects that are real should also then too be real. How then does one differentiate between an idea that is real and an idea that is false? That is the problem I was faced with in my previous post.

I wonder, could one ever say that it is impossible for one thing to exist? With the exception of mathematic (i.e. a four-sided circle), is it possible to prove without a doubt that something does not exist. Clearly, a unicorn does not exist on Earth (that is, the parts of the Earth we know of) but could one be so sure about the existance of unicorns of other parts of the universe? What would be the test to prove this? So then, a unicorn could exist, however remote the chances are, in a different part of the universe. Then, is this the proof I am looking for to say that ALL imaginations are real.

Thinking about these ideas are rather exhausting. It seems that no matter how I look at it there is no way of convincing myself that there is any definitive answer.

No, I still don't think I have answered my question completely. Let me give it one more try.

1. I have an imagination of something.
2. That imagination could be real or unreal, never both or neither.
3. There is no way of accurately testing whether that imagination is real or unreal.
4. Therefore, I can not base my inner happiness off of something I am uncertain about.

This seems to be the answer I am looking for. I think I am satisfied with it. Again, I will think it over for a while and see whether it still seems accurate to me.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

My Green Thumb

I have been quite the avid gardener this spring/summer. I planted lettuce, carrots, onions, tomatoes, and spinach from seeds. I recently transplanted them to larger containers and moved them outdoors and wow, they have more than doubled in size! I wish I had a yard. It seems that now since I have moved away from all the open pastures of the Oklahoma countryside I miss it. It's odd how a person misses something only (but not always) when that thing is gone. How true it is in romantic relationships. But enough about that (perhaps on a different blog).

I find a lot of joy out of having these plants and taking care of them. Some have even said how odd it is that I find such joy from this. I don't have too many friends (nor do I consider this a bad thing) and just got out of a relationship and sometimes I wonder if this is my way of assuaging the lonliness I sometimes feel. Plants are something I can make grow (not really make grow but can cultivate, take care of so that it produces the desired results - vegetables), things that I can control. They supplement my life in a way, such as friends do. It's a little strange sounding now that I write about it. I know, I am crazy sometimes but if I think up such ideas can they really be that far from the truth? Shouldn't the thing that caused this idea be just as real as the idea itself?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Time Stood Still

There he laid. There I stood.

I glanced his way, a sly grin beckoned me come. Our bodies collided like that of two cosmic forces coming together. There was nothing I could do, resistance futile. Desires. Emotions. The coming together of what was meant to be. This was not lust, nor meaningless sexual endeavors. No, it was more I felt that night when I forgot the things of this world and entered his, when nothing mattered but the feel of him next to me.

This strange feeling, not quite love, not quite lust, not quite friendship keeps recurring. I think of him and find myself unable to describe the sensation. He does something to me that I constantly crave. This feeling, this sensation, this, this...

He breathed deeply, sweat trickling down his smooth face. Exhaustion.

And with one final caress, his hair running through my fingers, it was over. But, I will remember that moment, though short, it will remain etched in my mind of how time stood still that night...with you.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Tired....

Mentally, physically exhausted. My mind frantically searches for that oasis to satiate my soul. The void of my life is filled with uncontrollable emotions. And, I think. I think about how I wish I were void of emotion too. Drained. Empty. Thirsty. I dare not drink from that which has caused my pain. I dare not do what I crave so. Surrounded in every direction. I turn. Again, I turn. Clockwise, counterclockwise. Spinning to and fro, emotion after emotion. And again, I think. To be free of emotion so I wish. Collapsing into utter silence. Except... Except, for the sound of emptyness, like the sound of a coin being tossed into the calm sea, sinking effortlessly with no cause, no end in sight. And after a while, everyone forgets about that coin, surrounded by an undrinkable pool of desires. So too am I. I am that coin.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Meditations

I am making changes in my life, or so it seems these changes have already began and I am now acknowledging that I am a different person now. I have experienced so much since I first came to Chicago and have gotten to know myself more intimitely. My mind is constantly thinking. I am in still in the process of fully becoming who I am. My focus is now purely me. My life is for me, to live it fully, to become a person of reason, of logic, and of sound ideals.

I must tear down everything and begin with a solid foundation. One must find inner happiness first and foremost prior to building beliefs. Without a solid foundation of inner happiness there is nothing to build off of.

I exist.

I exist in what way?

1. I am a mind capable of thinking.
2. I am a body capable of acting from those thoughts.

Why do I exist?

1. I exist out of fear?
2. I exist because I value life?

I am looking for inner happiness first, then my beliefs, ideas...

But aren't ideas something of the imagination, the imagination a thought of something that isn't, something unreal? And then, how could I find happiness from something that is not real?

I know what the statue of liberty looks like. I imagine it. Is then, my idea of the statue of liberty real...or is the object of reality the actual statue of liberty in NYC? Perhaps reality could be separated into two categories.

1. Concrete, physical reality and,
2. Abstract reality.

If that is true, that my imaginations are reality, then it would be so that all my imaginations must be true. I can imagine a unicorn but clearly it would seem then that I am imagining something that is false. I can imagine something that is real and something that is unreal but then I fall into the problem of differentiating between the real and the unreal. Therefore, imaginations (ideas) must be unreal.

Therefore, inner happiness can not be something based on imaginations (ideas) because one can not use something that is unreal to base every other thing off of. Reality exists only in the concrete, physical form.

I am looking for the source of my inner happiness, or perhpas how to achieve inner happiness. As I said before, there are two possible reasons as to why I choose to live.

If my goal is inner happiness then can possibility one (out of fear) be a reason to live?

Fear causes illogical responses, the faculty of reason weakened, poor choices, and ultimately, regret. I can not believe that inner happiness could be found in a life filled with regret, regret caused by fear.

So then, I look to possibility two as a reason to live. Could inner happiness be found as a result of the value I put on my life?

I will think about this some more, let my mind sort through all I have written and then will I attempt to answer this question.

Monday, June 12, 2006

WHY?

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Ho-mo-ped

I've been gaying up the city scootin' around all weekend with my new scooter! A sure sign of summer is the emmergence of scooters zippin' around every corner. Freedom, independence, fun, time-saving, and FUN! Those damn Vespas are so expensive I had to get a cheaper, less known model but is still a great purchase. Every notices me on that. I was filling it up with gas ($2.50) and two people asked me about it. (How many miles/gallon, how fast, how much did it cost, etc, etc) Today a cop pulled up beside me and jokingly asked if I want to race! Ha! Who knew pigs have a sense of humor?!

A Weekend of Wondering

So many things to do, yet, the tasks still lay at hand, the pen awaiting its first stroke, the book ready to be dissected and discussed. Though deadlines await, desire is found lacking. The mind too occupied to be thinking of such confusing ideas, of epistemology, of right versus wrong, of the multiple theories of morality. This mind is full. This mind is too busy thinking of the past. What could I've done, what should I've done, did I do make a mistake, done something when nothing was best, done nothing when something was best?

So I wonder.

I just drove by to see if things had changed
I wonder now if love is still the way it was back then
I need to know that life is still a place worth living in
There is just like it was, a house where there was always love
I just drove by to see if things had changed

I Just Drove By - Kimmie Rhodes and Willie Nelson

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Edgarama

Anyone who knows Edgarama knows he fully lives up to his name. But it is only now that I have come to realize and understand what he meant when he once told me, "I think I'm getting too use to you." When he first told me that, I thought, "How could one ever become too use to a person?"

But yes, it's true. One can become too attached to another person and then when the time the two spend together is not quite as frequent, when instead of going a day not seeing each other becomes a week, when the daily phone calls have ended and replaced with unreplied to emails, it is then that you realize you have gotten too use to that person.

O Wise Edgarama, you have amazed me with your wisdom!

Some cry because of physical abuse, a punch, a kick, a slap in the face. Some cry because they just weren't nice. Your jokes about me are so hurtful they say. Some cry for joy, the emotion overwhelming...a graduation (finally!), a wedding (onto the honeymoon!), retirement (I made it!). Others cry because nothing else seems adequate. These feelings inside must be expressed somehow they insist, and with a tear they are.

But no, not I, I cry because of the silence, that heart-breaking, life stopping, dream shattering, tear inducing silence. I cry for what I dreamed of, for the future succumbed to the fate of my fears, for what could've been. I cry for me, for you, for us.

But in that silence there were actions. No words are needed, no words could say. Because those words are meaningless, empty, without value. I could, but I won't. I won't sacrifice MY values to prove a point. I won't sacrifice MY values to make you feel that hurtful pang of sadness. I won't sacrifice MY values because I am better than that. I have grown. I have matured. I have become my own man. I will not give in, nor fall to the tempation of peer pressure that swallows men whole, that wrecks lives, relationships, marriages, and friendships. To honor Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive...or so I hope.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Bitch Drunk

This bitch ass roommate I now have has absolutely no respect for others possessions. What the fuck?! First you drink a beer I had in the fridge. What makes you think you can just take anything you want? Now, while I was staying at my boyfriend's house this weekend he goes and drinks a special edition rum that my ex's mom gave me as a Christmas gift one year AND a bottle of wine I had just bought. You probably think that that's the end of it but no, it's not. When I arrive home today, instead of confronting me about it, he behaves just as a child would do when he or she had done something wrong. He doesn't bother to mention anything about drinking my rum or wine. I get to find out on my own. Does he think I am stupid and won't notice? I noticed immediately when I arrived home that a wine was missing, of course I would, a huge empty space in a wine rack....who wouldn't notice? I guess him because he is dumb enough to think I wouldn't. I guess that's the problem with roommates. I can't wait until I am able to fully support myself. It would be nice to have a boyfriend to live with....but that's an entirely different story.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

They always seem to miss you, happy each time you arrive home. I love how easy they are to talk to and always willing to listen. I love how they always play and try to sneak in a kiss. I love how excited they get and sometimes run crazily around. I love how they lay next to you and somehow make things feel better.

My obsession with dogs is clear but aren't they such wonderful animals?

Sunday, May 28, 2006

5/28
I knew this place existed, had never met anyone who was there nor been there for myself. Nothing happened there. I shuddered at the abundance of emptiness, but more than that was the utter lack of concern saddened me more. Days passed one to the next going unnoticed in this dark, dreary place – The Waiting Place*.

She laid there in bed, barely able to move. Her wrinkled face as she struggled to sit up exuded a lifetime of struggles. A tear escaped as she searched desperately to recall my name. “My Tyrel” she said like a person would say after having been away for a long time as I helped her with remembering it.

We made plans to go fishing just as we did every time I visited, though we both knew her physical health will only continue declining, but nonetheless we made plans.

“I bet I’ll catch more than you!”

There wasn’t much of a reply as she struggled to gather her thoughts again.

I wanted to cry…but didn’t.

*In reference to “Oh, the Places You’ll Go” by Dr. Seuss

5/26
Everything has changed. The skyline is just a little smaller, the airport is just a little less crowded, and yes, even the trees are not quite the same. In this strange land that I for so long referred to as home I have become an outsider. A change has been occurring, for some time now I suppose, its exact beginning I can not pinpoint, but now as I return to my childhood home it has become apparent that I am not the person I was when I left for this great adventure, when I began this new phase of my life and entered adulthood. I realized then that nothing had changed…only me.

I look around and in a way I envy the simplicity of my family’s lives. My grandparents have worked so hard their entire lives and now they can relax and enjoy the hard work that has gotten them there. I admire how devoted they are to each other even as they are approaching their fifty year anniversary.

I stepped outside tonight, flashes of light streaking across the star-filled sky, and stopped for a minute to enjoy the sound of calmness all around. I wanted to lie on the ground, the bright green blades of grass tickling my neck, and enjoy the peacefulness. Moments like these are when I wish he was here to share a beautiful moment with a beautiful person.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

It was different...this time. The house was dark, quiet, and empty, the very antithesis of what I have come to know of you. The walls did not echo of your usual laughter. The only sound audible was that of the carpet crushing under my bare feet. I stood there staring at the face being reflected from that most precisely hung mirror. It was not of mine but of us. My mind drifted back to that unforgettable night when I knocked on your door for the first time, when our journey began that has led us to this point.

I looked around, noticing the yet-to-be unpacked boxes of miscellaneous items, and began to dream of the day when we would be unpacking our boxes of miscellaneous items, when our lives would merge and there would never be the question of whose house we would be staying at, when each morning I would be awakened with you next to me. I longed for our lives to be fast forwarded to this point.

Then I wondered...

"Does he dream about these things too?"

I crawled into bed only to dream some more.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

4/22/06
Last night/early this morning I decided after getting out of my new horrific job at Jamba to go and relax while having a drink at a bar in the infamous Boystown. I have always enjoyed going to Gentry and thought about going there. I walked around the area trying to decide where to go. I called my boyfriend (I needed to pick something up) and he persuaded me to go with him and his friends to a bar I will never step foot in again. And now, finally, we have gotten to the meat of my rant/broken record.

I just don’t understand people who go out to all those loud-noisy-can’t hear anything-smoke filled-drunk/high people filled-crowded-elbows touching bars/clubs. (Speaking of drunks, I am definitely going to become one with this new job I have. Every night I get out of work all I want to do is wallow in the salty pools of my miserable life.) Some might argue they go to the bars to socialize. I find it hard to believe anyone can go to a place where nothing is audible except the ear-piercing music everyone seems to enjoy so much to socialize with their friends. Perhaps the gays are more adept in ESP. I am almost ashamed to call myself gay and be associated with such pathetic attempts at life. Of course, my life is not that great but still….

This weekend is my first weekend working at my, for lack of a better word, shit job (SJ). There are so many things going on this weekend that I wanted to do but am unable because of the aforementioned SJ. I never really did all that much when I did have weekends off, perhaps because it was winter and there wasn’t much going on or I was just too lazy. I guess it’s true that you don’t truly appreciate something until you don’t have it anymore. I am debating which job I want and which to quit. I need to make a decision soon so I can schedule my classes accordingly for college, which is an entirely new and lengthy topic to be later discussed.
Now I must return to my SJ and make some much needed money. Hopefully I’ll make it through the day so I can enjoy my much need alcoholic beverage.

4/20/06
So here I am sitting at my new Jamba job, eating an overpriced sandwich from Starbucks and gulping a large iced coffee that I so desperately need. The end of my Dunkin career is fastly approaching and I am getting more and more excited for that day to come. Dunkin drama will soon be over for good – knock on wood. I have found out that life has a funny way of repeating itself.

Working two jobs is definitely something I would never want to do again. I could never imagine doing this for the rest of my life like many people do but at the same time I don’t see myself making it through four years of college. I am just thankful that I have my honey here to support me. His always playful nature, thoughtfulness, and hypnotic smile are always enough to brighten my day. Thanks babe for all that you are!

I am somewhat confused about where I stand with this immigration reform proposed by Congress. I have always been sympathetic to all the illegals because it is virtually impossible to do it the legal way. But recently I have become so tired of all the Mexicans, illegals, blacks that have infiltrated this country. I am unsure now whether they are a benefit or a menace to society.

*But recently I have become so tired of all the Mexicans, illegals, and blacks. The two times I have been robbed they were black. The couch that was stolen was by Mexicans. The ones stealing my overtime pay by working over forty hours/week for regular pay are illegals. Now I know not ALL Mexicans, illegals, and blacks are like this. I know there are members of minorities that are decent, good, hardworking, honest, respectable people. And I also know that there are whites out there that are quite the opposite of the aforementioned.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder...
Like where I’m going to be ten years from now or
If I’ll be in love or
Will my love still be there for me or
Will I be happy with my career or
Will I even have a career
I wonder if I’ll still be in Chicago or
If I’ll have purchased a condo
Will I be rich or
Will I be poor
In love or
Alone
Happy or
Sad
I wonder if I’ll be out to my family and
Will they still be my family
I wonder if I’m making the right decisions or
If I’m not then can I fix them
I wonder if ten years from I can look back on it
And say it was worth it and did the best I could

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Jamba

Yesterday I began my first day at my new job. I only worked three hours but three was enough considering I had been working from 5am – 12 pm. After getting this new job it has really hit me that I am just so tired of this kind of work. In some ways it feels I am not moving up but down with this new job. Back to doing the dishes, mopping the floor, taking out trash. But on the other hand, the pay is better (eventually), the benefits are better (I actually have some now), the environment is better. Change is something that is hard for me and I don’t know about this job. I think I would like something in an office. I’ve never had a job like that but it seems nice. I guess I’m just tired of the fast paced standing all day job. I need to win the MegaMillion! By the way, did you win honey?!

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

My Ears

oh, and i discovered i have abnormally small ears (the only thing abnormally small)!

more later...

So I have now joined the masses and started listening to music via an MP3 player. I feel so unoriginal when I listen, like I am giving up who I am so I can become THEM. But anyways, back to my ears. The earpieces are painfully huge that when I stick it in it hurts. (Huge...stick it in...it hurts...where have I heard that before???) They should definitely make a small, medium, and large because all ears are not created equal. At first I thought I was the only one with this peculiarity but I have since found out that there are many more of us out there. I am not alone. So yeah, if anyone wants to make millions off of this different sized earphones idea go right ahead, but I want half!

This week and all...

Well...

I have had so many things I wanted to write about this week but I have been so busy, spending time with my honey and all, working like a mad dog (yeah, I don't just sit at a desk all day and blog like many of my friends are privileged to do).

Speaking of my honey, we just celebrated our two monthaversary!! He took me to this fabulous Argentinean steakhouse seeing as how I took him out for Indian food (did I say Indian?!) for our one monthaversary. The steak was to die for, cooked a perfect medium. The presentation lacked a little. I do love my garnishes! And I'm sure the dessert will be even better!

So I've had my laptop for I guess about a week now and I absolutely loooove it Obviously saying it in a gay high-pitched voice. I mean, how else can one say absolutely loooove it?

I've discovered that getting in shape isn't as hard as many people try to make you believe. For the most part I think it is just laziness and indifference to the way they look. But come on, look at yourself, and especially you gays with all your twenty-two mirrors strewn about your look-at-me-I-have-money condos, and only order one Big Mac instead of two. I have look at you and sit next to you on the bus too. Oh my, and I becoming the typical gay?!

I lost my phone!!!! Now how am I going to receive my one call a week? I hope I can get a replacement through my carrier.

Happy National Poetry Month!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

In an Instant...

I have been waiting for this day my entire life. The wind blew strongly that day. I still remember the way you talked to me that day, how your voice always comforted me - or was it the wind gently caressing my pains?

It came by surprise but really I knew it was coming. Sometimes I thought it was here but it never came; other times I wished it would come but it never did. Perhaps that was partially due to my cowardice. But the day arrived and there was no turning back. It still tugged at the back of my mind. I brushed it aside. Nothing was going to interfere with what I had debated for so long.

I flipped through my photobook of memories. You took me fishing for the first time, then hunting. We were never really that close but the love was there. And you, you were there when I was sick, when I was crying, when I was yelling, when I was laughing, through bad times you comforted me, through good times we rejoiced together. I grew up, experienced many things I never imagined before. My first kiss, my first love, my first heart-break, and then came the seconds, then the thirds. Life is an ever repeating cycle I thought...just different people.

I never was normal, could never fit in, could never be the social butterfly, could never engage in such meaningless small talk. I was different and dealt with it as best I could. Attempted at times to change, always unsuccessful.

I cried, one last time. Now, with my emotions drained, I felt calm. I felt at peace but I knew it wouldn't last. This temporary peace would almost taunt me. I knew it would end, sometimes sooner, sometimes longer but always the inevitable. So I did what I did.

And in an instant...

The sun had set for the very last time.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

'Da Club

Last weekend I ended my club scene hiatus. It somewhat caught me by surprise how exactly unappealing this scene is. I can only wonder what is so attractive to make a person live such a lifestyle. One night of going to the club was more than enough but to most of the club-going people this is an almost every night (if not every night) occurrence. Alcohol, loud music, diluting the mind, groping, smoke-filled air, drug and alcohol induced actions - these are all counterproductive things not worthy of my time.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Prostitution

Lately I have noticed how differently my views and ideas on things have dramatically changed over the past couple years. And it has gotten me to wonder what has caused such a change.

Tonight I found myself making the argument for the morality of prostitution. Later I wondered if I had it all wrong but, aside from Biblical, I couldn't think of any logical argument against it.

Prostitution affects the two consenting persons involved. As long as the two involved have no commitments, no obligations then there is no logical argument against the morality of the action. When a partnered person engages in said actions then that person is no longer affecting solely themselves.

Can though, one non-committed person be fully moral while engaging in prostitution with a committed person?

......

Sunday, February 26, 2006

It's a funny thing...

How you never know it's coming but when it does you're glad it did.

How it makes your day shorter when he's near or makes your day longer when he's gone.

How you find yourself doing things you never thought you would but glad you are.

How you spend every second together but never seems enough.

How a tear escapes simply from pure happiness.

How each second apart seems like days.

It's a funny thing- this thing called love.

Friday, February 24, 2006

I come into work this morning, sick as a dog, because there is no one else to open the store and all you can do is bitch at me for not wearing a hat? You don't give me any medical benefits or sick days and you say health is the most important. Hypocrite. If I am ever sick again I am calling off work. My health is more important than you and your money.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Selfish

I think sometimes we become too wrapped up in satisfying other people's needs that we neglect our own. This behavior can have serious side effects. One's own needs must be met first and foremost before any attempt is made to help another. Some call this selfishness; I call it love of self.

Selfish, according to Webster, is:

1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2 : arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others

Focusing on you first can have nothing but positive effects. To deny oneself of basic rights, individuality, freedom to choose purely for the happiness of another can be mentally, socially, and perhaps even physically detrimental. You see, there is no "disregard of others" but merely a refocusing of priorities.

Blame

It is easy and all too common to place the blame for our actions on anything and everything other than ourselves. The choices a person makes are theirs alone. While there may be outside forces influencing a persons decisions ultimately the choice is that persons.

Too many times I have heard "he's really a good kid, he just grew up in a bad neighborhood." Why is the blame rarely placed on the individual making the bad decisions? I acknowledge peer pressure can be difficult to overcome - but not impossible. Even the United States government endorses this - it's not me, it's him- philosophy with it's all too benevolent social programs. Accountability needs to be established.